Crack Weddings!
by Itachilova101
Summary: Crack randomness! No canon pairings and rated for swearing! FINALLY COMPLETE!
1. SakuraXDeidaraXItachi

Wedding

Itachilova101

A/N: Total randomness! Crack pairings... Stupidness... Need I say more?

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Sakura sat in a gazebo with her two bride's maids and her "maid-of-horror". They were busily preparing for her big day.

In only a few minutes, she would be walking down the aisle to marry the love of her life, Deidara.

Even though this was such an exciting day for her, she sat rigid in her seat as Ino finished a few last-minute touches to her hair and make-up.

Hinata handed her a bouquet of Sakuras, her favorite flower.

Tenten was busy fidgetting in her dress. "Have I mentioned that I don't very much like wearing dresses?"

"Yea, you have." answered Ino, sounding annoyed. "Ten times..."

Tsunade, the wedding coordinator that invited herself to the wedding, came running to the gazebo and said, "the priest is a no-show. We're getting Hidan to fill in for him."

"Hidan?" whined Tenten. "He'll screw everything up!"

"Too bad!" Tsunade snapped. "Hidan's the only person her that actually gives a shit about religion!" So true…

Then she took off again. She came back thirty seconds later, panting like mad. "Oh, yea. I forgot to tell you. They're ready for you."

Then, she took off once again.

"D-Do you think I'm ready for this?" asked Sakura, biting her lower lip.

"No, now get your ass out onto that alter!" commanded Tenten.

She reluctantly stood and they all got into line. Hinata and Ino were in front. Sakura and Tenten were behind them.

For some unapparent reason, Tsunade had reappeared and stood in front, her back facing the line of ladies.

As the music started, they all started walking down the aisle.

Murmurs were heard about why Tsunade was walking down the aisle with them. Finally, Jaraiya asked, "Tsunade, what are you doing?"

"Huh? What?" asked Tsunade, looking around. She was obviously drunk. "Oh, right! I'm not a bride's maid…" With that, she took a seat in one of the front pews.

They started to walk again and Sakura met Deidara at the alter.

Hidan, wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a tuxedo on the front, was flipping through pages in the Book of Jashin. He looked up, eyed the soon-to-be newlyweds, then returned to flipping.

After about one more minute of flipping, he set the book down and cleared his throat. "There seems to be a little problem. You see, Jashin doesn't do wedding ceremonies because the people are usually dead or maimed or whatever and are too scared to ask us to do their wedding. So... It looks like I'll have to do this by scratch..."

Silence throughout the room. Sreiously, crickets could be heard chirping.

"Okay. Let's begin this thing. Ladies and... Odd lifeforms that like to screw the ladies, we are gathered here to bind this couple in holy matrimony." A smirk creased his face. "That sounds almost like holy maceroni..."

"Will you hurry the fuck up so I can get the hell outta this dress!" yelled Tenten.

"These two met a while back and fell for eachother... Aw, Deidara's in love!"

Both Deidara and Sakura gave Hidan the deadliest of all death glares.

"Fine... Do you, Deidara, take this underaged and totally illegal girl to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"Did you not just here me say, 'Underaged and totally illegal'? Whatever, it's your funeral... Do you, Chick-dude, take this very feminine, somewhat artistic man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Okay, I pretty much spelt out that she is gay. Do you like gay guys? I didn't think- OW!"

Hidan held the knee that Deidara had kicked rather hard.

"So, if any of you dig this couple, shut the hell up. If you don't like this couple... Shut the hell up. I don't need to hear your problems... This ain't no soap opera."

Silence ensued...

"Really?" asked Tsunade. "Nobody's gonna say anything? You're going to make me say it? Okay then..." She drew in a deep breath and yelled, "GENITAL WARTS!!!"

"Cough Cough"

Deidara was slowly inching away from Sakura.

"Run, Deidara! Save yourself!"

Deidara bolted out of the place they were in.

Sasori asked, "does she really have genital warts?"

Tsunade whispered, "I have no idea. I just wanted to see this wedding go to shit."

Sasori smirked.

Itachi stood and took Deidara's spot on the alter. "Let's do this shit."

And they got married.

While everybody was waiting for Itachi and Sakura to stop sucking face, Kisame looked to Sasori who looked to Tsunade who looked to Zetsu who looked to Tobi who looked to Kakuzu who looked to Leader who looked to Tenten who looked to Hidan who looked to Itachi who looked to Sakura. They all nodded.

"TOTAL MASSACRE!!!" yelled all of the afore mentioned people as they began to attack the audience.

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A/N: Please review! Hope ya liked!


	2. DeidaraXTobiXZetsu

Wedding # 2!!!

Itachilova101

Summary: Deidara and Tobi are in an arranged mairrage, there's a broken Piggy-Bank and Kisame has a crush!

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A/N: You wanted another one, so here it is!

"Are you ready, Boy?" asked Kakazu inthe room where the groom was getting ready to be wed to a very unlikely person...

"Hell no, un!" yelled Deidara as three people tied him to a plank of wood.

"Well, too bad! We paid a lot of shit for you two to get married! Four chickens and some pancake mix, to be exact... And we had to smash that piggy-bank of your's to pay for the rest."

"What?! You smash Sir Oink-a-lot! But he was my bestest friend, un!"

"Well, Tobi can console you on your honeymoon."

"HONEY-WHAT!!!!" exclaimed Deidara right before Kisame taped his mouth shut.

Then, Hidan came in and asked, "why is it that I'm doing _another _wedding? And with Deidara again? Has he not learnt his lesson from last time with that Sakura-chick?"

"Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!" Deidara yelled into the tape. Needless to say, nobody understood a word he was saying.

"Yea, that's what I thought. Now, hurry your unholy asses up! I wanna get out of this suit!"

So, Hidan and Kakuzu carried Deidara off. Kisame left for some unknown reason... Probably to go bug some lady-fish.

As Hidan and Kakuzu carried Deidara down the aisle, they watched in embarrassment as the "bride" busily coloured on the floor.

"Get up, you fool!" hissed Hidan.

So, Tobi stood and waved to Deidara. "Hi!"

"Okie dokie." started Hidan, very out-of-character for a mass-murderer. "I've actually got something prepared today, so it won't end up like last time."

He pulled out a fancy book that had the title, "Wedding Ceremonies For Dummies".

"We are gathered..." He flipped the page, reading in a mono-tonous voice. "In the unifying of..." Flip. "These two individuals in holy matri-" Flip. "-Mony."

Deidara let out a wail.

"Now, we will hear the vows from the couple. Pause for vows."

"Psst, Hidan-sama, I don't think you were supposed to say that." whispered Tobi.

"Fuck!" he swore.

"I don't think you're allowed to swear either..." the orange masked man said.

"Shit!... Crap!... POOP!!!"

Silence...

"Anyway, on with the bows!"

"Uh, I think you mean vows, Hidan-sama."

"Okay, shut the fuck up! Who asked you, anyway?! Deidara, you go first because Tobi's annoying me!"

Deidara yelled and wailed into the tape, making his words muffled so nobody could understand. I, as the narrator, would translate it for you, but there were too many swears for any mortal mind to ever comprehend.

"Very nice." commented Hidan unenthusiastically. "Tobi?"

"I'm just so-"

"Very nice." interrupted Hidan.

Then, in barged Zetsu, riding a white steed. It galloped toward the people at the alter and he took Tobi in his arms. "Tobi's my bitch, Foo!"

"Zetsu-sama!"

So, Zetsu carried Tobi off into the sunset which was odd since they were indoors...

"..." Almost everybody was speechless. Well, except for a few of the Akatsuki members...

"You know, this is the second time Deidara's wedding has been foiled by weird people..." commented Sasori.

"You think there's a pattern?" asked Itachi.

"Never know." answered Leader.

Then, alluvasudden, in came a very excited Kisame. He ran to Deidara and ripped off the tape and untied the ropes that bounded him to the plank of wood.

"Ow, yea..."

"Deidara, marry me! I've loved you all along! I want to bear your babies! If you marry me, I'll steal you another Sir Oinks-a-lot!"

Silence...

"Well...?" asked the Shark-dude.

"You had me at hello, yea!" answered Deidara, eyes shimmereing.

Hidan commented, "dude, that's just fucked up..."

So, the new couple shared true love's first kiss and lived happily ever after! ... Until they got a divorce because Kisame wouldn't share the pocky.

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A/N: Hope ya liked! XD


	3. JiraiyaXTsunade

Wedding # 3!

Itachilova101

Summary: Jiraiya and Tsunade!

Disclaimer: No own!

A/N: This one was requested by Lady Blade WarAngel! I'm willing to take requests, as long as the couples are crack. No canon! I'm not quite sure if Jiraiya X Tsunade is canon or crack, so yea... I'm doin' it! The next one I want to do is Deidara X Gaara! Please enjoy!

Okay, on with the wedding!

"Why... The Hell... Am I... Marrying HIM?!" yelled Tsunade as Sakura tried to zip up the back of her white wedding dress.

"Because he paid us fifty bucks each to kidnap you and have you marry him." she asked.

"You know, I am Hokage... I could crush you like a bug and just run away!"

"Not when you're drunk!" sing-songed Shizune. She took a HUGE bottle of sake and pretty much shoved it down Tsunade's throat. She emptied the bottle into her sensei and watched as Tsunade coughed and sputtered.

She teetered on her feet a bit until she stumbled to the side, her cheeks flushed and a goofy grin on her face.

"Okay, let's do this shit..." she commanded, her words slurring.

Shizune and Sakura smirked to eachother and they took Tsunade's arms and lead her to the alter. They didn't bother to play the wedding jingle or whatever it was called because... Well, that music sucks!

The priest, this time, was... Well, you may not want to know... I'll tell you anyway! It was Maito Gai...

"We're wasting our precious youth here!"

"You... You have to do the wedding, because... Like, you just have to..." Tsunade stammered drunkenly, her words slurring a lot.

"Okay, fine..." Gai replied. "I still say our youths are just ticking away with every youthful second that ticks away on that youthful clock..."

"Hey, you, the weird dude that has caterpillars for eyes, you gonna marry us, or not?" asked the blonde, drunk, hokage.

"Uh, sure..."

"Well, hurry the fuck up then!" she yelled. "I wanna get my shag on! Chop chop!"

Gain nodded and began. "Greetings, youthful youths! I'm oh-so-glad you all could join us in the youthful ceremony of joining these two very... Unyouthful people in youthfulness!"

By then, everybody was lost.

"They're going to put on rings, then do the Wild Thang!" he pretty much spelt out for everybody.

"Ah!" the crowd chorused in understanding.

"Jiraiya, do you take this... Very drunk hokage to be your lawfully wedded wife-"

"Yea, blah, blah, blah. Can we get it on later?"

"Oh, yea." answered Tsunade with a playful smirk.

"Then, HELL YEA!!!"

"Okay, then, drunken- woman, do you take, blah, blah, blah, cake?"

"I-"

She fell into an alchohol induced sleep.

"Okay! Time to get down and dirty, yo!"

He picked Tsunade up and carried her off, singing, "roll, roll, roll the condom, all the way up the dong! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, let's dso it all night long!"

And the audience watched in surprise as he ran off with Tsunade's limp body.

God, could that man sing!

A/N: XD

What's Deidara gonna think in his third wedding? Will he actually get married, or will somebody else steal his "bride"?


	4. GaaraXDeidaraXHidan

Wedding #4

Itachilova101

Disclaimer: No own, already! DX

Summary: GaaraXDeidara

A/N: Okay, I will do the requested weddings! I will! I just wanted to do this one first! KK, on with the tension-rising... Will Deidara actually get married this time? Will somebody steal Gaara? If so, who? On with the wedding!

Deidara was happy. He was getting married... Again... This time, though, he had a choice in who he was marrying. He was marrying that guy from Suna, Gaara of the Desert.

he thought. 

His stomach growled and he groaned sadly. "I'm hungry, yea..."

Then, Hidan came in. "Okay, you... Are getting ridiculous! If I have to do one more wedding for you, I will kill you! I am not a priest! Well, I am the priest of evil, bad deeds and cake, but that's beside the point..."

Deidara shook his head. "This will be the last time, yea..."

"It had better be!"

And, with that, Hidan slammed the door shut and left Deidara to... Apply his lip gloss?

Duuude...

Then, in came Kisame, holding a baby.

"You had better be prepared to take care of our baby while you're married... I am not going to let you sneak away with no responsibility!"

"Uh... I know, yea?"

"You'd better!"

With that, he, too, slammed the door shut.

Deidara stood, made kissy lips to the mirror and smirked. He was ready... He was going to get married and stay married this time! He was!

He walked down the aisle with the wedding jingle that nobody seems to care about and took his place beside Gaara who seemed to be wearing lip gloss, too! Yay!!!!!

Hidan looked to Deidara and said, "okay, this had better be the last wedding I ever have to do..."

Deidara nodded.

"Okay, blah-dee-blah-blah. Blah, bleck, bleh, blue, blah."

"..." Everybody was left confused.

"What are you doing, yea?"

"What? I'm making a fun twist!"

"It's not a fun twist! It's retarded!"

Hidan seemed to go into a fit of anger and ferocity. "RETARDED?!?!?!?!?!!! I'll give you retarded!"

He took that Grim-Reeper thingamajig and threw it at Deidara. Luckily, he managed to dodge it. Unfortunately, it landed in Gaara's belly.

"G-Gaara..." whispered Deidara.

He fell to his knees beside the now dead raccon-thing-boy and cried out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!1!!!one!"

After crying for about five seconds, he shrugged and said, "meh, I'm over it."

But Hidan wasn't... He was still angry... He took out a pitchfork out of nowhere and yelled like Xena, Warrior-Princess. He ran toward the blonde and aimed for his head.

But, Deidara moved to the side and stuck out his foot. Hidan tripped over it and fell face first in the floor, the pitchfork in his back. He stood as people murmered.

"What? Do I have something on my shirt?"

Deidara chuckled shaking his head. "so, who am I gonna marry now?"

Hidan shrugged and pulled the pitchfork from his back. "Wanna get married and just, like, get divorced?"

Deidara shrugged. "Everything was all bought and paid for and it doesn't look like Gaara's going to be getting married today, yea..."

So, they got married just for the hell of it and got a divorce after two nights of non-stop &#.

So, yea... I don't think we've seen the end of Deidara's search for a person to marry and stay married to...

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A/N: Likee? Well, do ya? Do ya? XD 


	5. HinataXChouji

Wedding #5!

Itachilova101

Disclaimer: I own cookies... Wait, do I? I dunno... Wah! I wanna own cookies!

Summary: HinataXChouji

A/N: Okay, I've been getting requests! Yay! If you don't see the one you requested yet, don't worry, it will be up! I just gotta get new ideas!

Hinata looked to Naruto and sighed. He was fiddling with her veil for some unknown reason. Then, he set it on his head. She shook her head in amusement and went back to touching up her make-up.

Chouji was probably feasting upon a bag of potato chips, at that moment...

She was to be marrying Chouji that day... She didn't want to, but she had no choice...

Why was she marrying a man that she didn't love? Well, the Hyuga clan wanted to gain even more power to get stronger. So, they made a merge between the heiress to the Hyuga clan and the heir to the Akimichi clan.

So, Hinata was marrying Chouji... Yay... TT.TT

Naruto exclaimed, "hey! Look! I'm marrying Chouji!"

She stood, took the veil and giggled at him. "You willing to take my place, Uzumaki?"

"Hell no!!" he yelled.

She smiled sadly, "yea, I wouldn't do it, either..."

"Well, you know, you could tell your father, 'no'."

She smiled up to Naruto and nodded. "I know. It's just that... I... Can't."

He shook his head smiling. "Some things never change..."

Hinata turned with the veil and put it on. She said, "I should go get married."

And she turned around and left Naruto.

Before she could leave the room, though, a cloaked figure pushed her into another room and shut the door behind them.

XOXO

The music started and Chouji stood at the alter with the new priest, Asuma. As Hinata had predicted, he was scarfing down a bag of chips as if he wouldn't be eating in forever...

Hinata walked down the aisle, her father escorting her. When they reached the alter, Asuma cleared his throat and stole the chips from Chouji.

He took the chips and hid them with those yummy stale bread things and started the ceremony.

"Okay, uh... I've never really done a wedding before, so I'm just gonna do this from the top of my head 'cause I'm cool!"

Silence...

"Hey! No dissing Grand Masta A!" he commanded. "... Fine... Chouji, do you take Hinata to be your wife?"

"I do."

"Duuude!" he exclaimed. "Bonin' the Hyuga heiress!"

He gave Chouji five.

Hinata only blushed.

"Okay, Hinata, do you take Chouji to be your husband?"

"Um..."

She looked to her father, then to Naruto. Then, she looked to Chouji.

"I-I..."

She looked back to Naruto and saw that he was gone...

She sighed. "I-"

"STOP!!!" yelled somebody as they slammed the door open.

Everybody looked to see Naruto.

Everybody murmered and mumbled, wondering what was going on.

"Okay, look... Hinata doesn't love Chouji..."

"N-Naruto, stop. I know what I'm doing." said Hinata.

"From what you said in your dressing room, I can see that you don't."

"But-"

"She's marrying me!"

"WHAAAAAAT!!!" screamed Hinata, her face redder than... Well, a lot of red things. Like an apple! Apples are yummy! They're red, too! (n.n;)

Naruto walked toward Chouji and said, "why don't you marry Hanabi? 'Cause there is no way I am letting you marry Hinata."

Silence...

"No." replied Chouji.

"..."

"..."

"I don't want to marry any of the Hyuga's. I want to marry... MY POTATO CHIPS!!!"

Silence ensued.

"Okay!" exclaimed Naruto and Hinata together.

So, they had a double-wedding. Hinata married Naruto and Chouji married his potato chips.

Yea... I can't wait to see what their babies will look like...

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A/N: n.n; I did one request! XD 


	6. NarutoXSasuke

Wedding #6

Itachilova101

Summary: Somebody requested a Naru/Sasu marriage and I just couldn't resist! XD

A/N: Enjoy!

"So, what are you going to say for your vows?" asked Sakura.

"That's a surprise." answered Naruto.

He wore a very fancy (shmancy) suit and, of course, his forehead protector.

He turned to Sakura and asked, "how do I look?"

"Like a gay guy that's about to marry a man that he once detested."

"Great! That's exactly the look I was going for!"

He went to Hinata and took her in his arms.

"N-Naruto-kun?" she stuttered.

"I've wanted to do this for a long time." he whispered.

She blushed furiously as he leaned in and kissed her. When he pulled away, he asked, "how was that? Will Sasuke like that?"

She fainted.

"Uh... I'll take that as a good thing..." he commented, letting her fall to the floor.

"Okay! I'm ready to go! I can do this!" he exclaimed. "I mean, I'm not scared... Much. I've fought demons and villains and all that kind of crap! This should be a piece of cake... Right?"

"Waitaminute... Aren't you married to Hinata?" asked Sakura.

"Yea."

"Well, why are you marrying Sasuke-kun?"

"..." He smirked.

"Do I want to know?"

"I'm a playa! G-UNIT!!!"

"..."

"What? Don't you like my Gangsta talk?"

"... Never do that again!" commanded Sakura.

"God..." commented Naruto. He sing-songed, "somebody needs to get laid!"

"Hello! I'm married to Itachi!"

"I bet you've never even seen him naked! He's too scared, isn't he?"

"I-It's not a fear thing... It's a trust thing! That's what he told me, anyway."

"Hee hee... Sakura needs to get laid!"

And they got into an argument about whether Sakura's sex-life was in danger or not.

When Kiba came in to announce that everybody was ready, he walked in at a very bad time.

"Keep that wet thing away from me!" yelled Sakura.

He didn't know if he wanted to open the door to see what they were doing... He knew he had to, so he opened the door. When he did, he saw Sakura sitting in a chair while Naruto... Wiped her face with a wet cloth?

"Uh, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Sakura-chan's face is all red because she was screaming at me that Itachi and her don't need sex councilling, so I wanted to get rid of the red with some cool water." answered Naruto.

Sakura glared at Naruto. "Itachi's and my sex life is none of your concern... Besides, he's pretty good... At... Um... God! I do need sex councilling!"

"I knew it! Now, I need to get married!" exclaimed Naruto.

Sakura looked to Kiba who cringed. Her make-up had gotten smudged up... A lot...

"Do I look alright?"

"Uh, yea. You look fine." lied Naruto.

Kiba was going to say something when Naruto punched him.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"

"There was a spider, so I squooshed it."

"Squoosh?"

"It's my word."

After all of this meaningless drabble was finished, Naruto walked to the aisle thingamajig.

He walked toward Sasuke, shaking from his nerves. He'd never married a man before...

When he got to him, he asked, "who's gonna be the priest this time?"

Sasuke pointed to the "priest": Miroku.

"Why am I here? I don't even think I'm in the same anime..."

A bunch of screaming fangirls ran up to him and one of them asked, "can I bear your children?"

"Well, well, how can I say no?" he asked rhetorically and left with all the girls to go and do... Well, you know.

"Okay, that was odd... Who's gonna be the priest now?" asked Sasuke.

"Any volunteers?" asked Naruto.

Well, guess who stood up... Nara Shikamaru.

"Why am I doing this?" he asked.

Ino told him, "it'll be fun! Once you're finished, I'll give you back your Cloudy boxer shorts!"

Shikamaru was at the alter in a blink of an eye.

"Idiot, do you take asshole to be your husband?"

"I do." answered Naruto. "Wait... Hey!"

"Asshole, do you take idiot to be your husband?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay, kiss and let's get the hell out of here." commanded Shikamaru. "I want my Cloudies back."

"Wait, I want to say my vows first." said Naruto.

"Then hurry the hell up!"

"To, Teme. We were rivals, now we're, like, husband and husband. I just wanted to tell you something."

Whitney Houston music appeared from nowhere and Naruto broke out into song. "And I... will always love you, ooh.

Sasuke cringed at how tone deaf his new husband was.

Finally, the blonde stopped and kissed Sasuke.

They looked to Shikamaru, but he was gone. They looked to a window to see it smashed. A note was left, saying:

"Gone to get my clloudy boxers! Marry your own damn selves!"

So, they finished the rest themselves and left to go to the Uchiha Compound to go do whatever it was newlyweds do.

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A/N: Another request done! XD 


	7. TentenXKakashiXSurprise

Wedding # 7

Itachilova101

Summary: Kakashi/Tenten!

A/N: Hiz! This one's for Kakashi's Kute who is also drawing a picture for one of my stories! XD So, yay, Kutie!!!

Tenten sat in a chair, just staring at herself. She didn't wear make-up, her hair was in her usual two buns and her dress was fine. So, she was just wasting time. How did she do that? Well...

"Ha! You blinked first!" she yelled, pointing to her reflection in her mirror.

She sighed in self-pity and hung her head.

Then, Neji came in and said, "he's ready for you."

She nodded and stood. She left with Neji and walked with him down the aisle. He was the one that would give her away.

When they reached her future husband, Kakashi, she blushed and chuckled nervously. She was pretty much a ball of nervous flesh...

The priest this time? Well, it was... Wait... Where was the priest? There was nobody there.

Kakashi shrugged and said, "I guess I'm going to have to do this, aren't I?"

So, he stood where the priest was supposed to be and said, "and the Lord said, 'go sox!'."

"..."

"Oops, sorry... Wrong cerimony. That was the cerimony celebrating something called Sox." Kakashi explained. "Okay, so... Hatake Kakashi, do you take Tenten to be your wife?"

He jumped down to where the groom was supposed to be. "I do."

He went back to the priest's spot. "Tenten, do you take Hatake Kakashi to be your husband?"

"I do."

He went back to be before Tenten. "Woo-hoo!"

He went back to the priest's spot. "I will ask you to hold your comments for now..."

He went back to Tenten. "Sorry, Sir."

"Alright." he said, back as the priest. "You may now kiss the bride."

"Glady." he commented Kakashi, back as Kakashi.

He kissed her.

"WAIT!!!!" yelled Neji.

"..."

"I love you, Tenten! I'm not with Hinata and I don't have a secret fetish for Lee! If I do have a fetish, it would be for you!"

"Uh, that's kid of creepy..." commented Tenten.

"Come on, you know you love me!" exclaimed Neji.

"... Since when?"

"Since... Since..."

"..."

"SINCE NOW!"

And he took her in her arms and ran off with her.

Kakashi shrugged. "I'm married to Temiya, anyway."

Then, Temiya (Kutie! XD) ran in and kissed Kakashi. He ran off with her and they went on a second honeymoon because... Well, they wanted to get it on!

And everybody lived happily ever after! ... Well, except for Sakura and Itachi who still hadn't gotten it on yet...

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A/N: Okay, so I got a request to do a chapter where Sakura and Itachi have counilling. I think I might do that. But, since it's not a wedding, I'll have to make it seperate. I'll be sure to tell you when it's up if I do it! Plaese review! 


	8. DeidaraXIno

Wedding # 8

Oh, and a mairrage coucilling

Itachilova101

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A/N: This one is... You guessed it! Another Deidara wedding! I know you're all wondering, "why are there so many Deidara weddings?" Well, I like to make people suffer! He just happened to P my O on a bad day... n.n

Ino sat in her dressing room. Sakura was with her. Why was she with her? Because apparently Ino needed a bride's maid. Why? Because she's screwed up... Yea, I said it!

She was brushing her hair. Why was she brushing her hair? Because she's- ... Oops... Wrong direction for a wedding...

Okay, let's start it this way...

It was a beautiful day in Shinobi Land. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping. Not a cloud in the sky. Everything seemed perfect! The perfect day for a wedding, that is...

That is, until...

"WHAT THE FUCK, YEA!!!" yelled a very perterbed, very feminine male.

"What?" asked Kakuzu. "You're marrying some chick named Ino."

"WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Because... I feel like it..."

"You feel like what, yea?"

"I feel like making you marry her. I swear, she's just like a clone of you!"

"..."

"Okay, now get your ass out on that alter and get married!"

* * *

Meanwhile, elswhere...

"What are we doing?" asked Sakura as her and her husband were lead to a church.

Itachi shrugged. "Who knows..."

They were being lead by some dude that called himself Dr. Bill McFlaw.

"You're being lead to have your problems worked out. You're going to have a mairrage councilling session while a friend of each of your's gets mariied."

"Alright, I'll bite. Who's getting married?" asked Sakura.

"Your friend, Ino and Itachi's friend, Deidara."

Sweatdroppiness happened.

When they got into the church, they sat in chairs beside the alter.

"So, why are we doing this here?" asked Itachi.

"Because we have a man that says he's an expert at this sort of thing. He has to do a wedding today, so he's going to do both." answered the supposed doctor.

"That sounds difficult." commented Sakura.

"I dunno."

* * *

Meanwile... Again...

Gaara stood outside of the church, debating whether he should go through with this. He really didn't care about the wedding and he cared even less about the marriage-thing. Then again, he did tell that impersonator of some TV doctor that he was an expert... Then again, he wasn't. Then again, he could pretend he was. Then again... I ran out of then agains...

That was that. He went inside and stood at the alter. He looked to Dr. Bill, Sakura and Itachi.

"... You're the expert?" asked Sakura.

He smirked. "Yep."

Then, Deidara came out and stormed down the aisle angrilly. He was too busy pouting to notice who the "priest" was.

"Let's just get this over and done with, alright, yea?" he said.

Gaara ignored him, though he wanted to give him a lot of hell. He sat down beside Dr. Bill and said, "so, what the hell's your problem?"

"Itachi's too afraid to get naked."

"I'm not afraid of nuthin'." corrected Itachi.

Gaara nodded. "Hmm... I have a good idea of what you two need..."

"Hm?" asked Sakura.

"You, dude with frigid problems, you need to get off your lazy ass and screw your woman. You, woman with freakishly pink hair, you need to enjoy it! Then, I dunno, I guess you can just kill eachother."

"..."

Deidara cleared his throat. "Can we, like, I don't know, get this wedding done, now, yea?"

So, Gaara stood. "Yo... Where's the woman?"

"How should I know, yea?" he asked.

"Okay, fine, I'll call her." he said. "Yo, Woman! Get your bitch-ass ova here! Don't make me beat you senseless!"

And Ino came racing out.

She stopped before Deidara.

"Duuude..." was all she said.

"Why do you look like me, yea!" demanded Deidara.

"Hey! Feel lucky that you look so much like a hottie like me!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Who's the hottie?" asked Gaara.

The two looked at Gaara, veins bulging. They each gave him a whap on the head.

Then, they looked at eachother. They were a lot alike.

"Wanna get married?" asked Ino.

"Sure, why not, yea..."

So, Gaara began the ceremony.

"Life is a dark, twisted image that can only be seen by the victims of Kami. The only way to keep yourself from suffering is to die... But...! Weddings can be both a curse and a gift. Since I hate you all, I want this to be a curse..."

"..."

"Okay, so, uh... Weddings, huh? Let's see... What should I say? Oh, I know... Exchange rings, kiss, then suffer. Hee hee... I feel so evil..."

Wanna see what his face looked like while he said this? Well... It was a lot like this... n.n

So, the two did as told. They left without another word.

A day or two after, Deidara killed Ino because she was making little hearts out of his clay.

Itachi and Sakura ended up doing... Well, you know. But, after, Sakura pretty much laughed at him because he had a tattoo of a fluffy bunny on his rear end.

Apparenntly, that's why he didn't want her to see him naked.

Yep... Somethings never cease to amaze me...

* * *

A/N: n.n 


	9. DeidaraXHidan, again

Wedding # 9

(Mean audience member: Will it never cease?!

Me:Clunks mean person over the head: n.n Better now!)

Itachilova101

A/N: Hi! I'm sorry for not updating sooner, a lot of awesome shit came up... MY BOOK GOT PUBLISHED!!! This wasn't a request... I just couldn't resist... XD

Shikamaru busily sniffled in a tissue while he cried over the loss of Ino... And his cloudy boxers. Yes, he never got those back.

Now that Ino was gone, he couldn't get his cloudies back! So, I guess it was easy to say that he wasn't crying over the loss of Ino, but the loss of his poor, poor cloudies.

Then, he stood and pointed at Naruto. "You... You're the whole reason this happened!"

"I am? Why don't you buy new ones?" asked Naruto.

"Because... Those cloudies could never be replaced... They were... My best friend." answered Shikamaru, beginning to cry again.

Then, in came the last person either of them ever wanted to see... That little man-whore, Deidara. (O.o Okay, I LOVE Deidara... I am so not doing this if we're being mean to him!)

Okay, okay...

Then, in came their all-time best friend and confidant, Deidara! (XD That's better!) He sat down and stared at the two.

"What?" asked Shikamaru.

"I was told to give these to you, yea." he said, handing him his wittle cloudies.

"Gah!" Shikamaru cried out in happiness and huggled his best friend... No, not Deidara, definitely not Naruto, his cloudies.

"... You do know that they haven't been worn since, like, I got them, right, yea?" asked Deidara. "And I got them from some old bum because some dude named Kiba told me, too."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"OH, MY FUCKING GOD!!!" CRIED OUT SHIKAMARU WHILE HE THREW HIS USED-TO-BE BEST FRIEND TO THE FLOOR.

... Oops, I forgot the caps lock on... n.n;

Then, in came Hidan... Carrying a chainsaw... A look of anger on his face...

"I thought I told you that if you asked me to do another wedding, I'd kill your girly ass!" he yelled.

"Uh... Don't you usually carry around that thingamajig?"

"Yeah, but this is funner." answered Hidan casually.

(Oh, right! I think it was Stephie who told me it was a sythe! n.n; I forgot...)

"Now... Die..." he hissed, nearing Dei-

Okay, okay, hold it right there. If we want to keep this a nice, happy wedding, we're going to have to lose the violence.

Wait... Who said this was a nice happy wedding? ON WITH THE VIOLENCE!!!

-dara.

Deidara quickly took out that sythe thingamajig, from nowhere, might I add, and aimed it at his soon-to-be attacker.

"I'm invincible, you idiot!"

"Oh, yea... yea?" (Awkward...)

He quickly drew Hidan's God on the sythe (Which is, for those that don't know, a circle with a triangle in it.) and aimed it at him again.

He let out a war cry and charged.

"Hey!" Naruto called, causing Deidara to stop. "Before you start the whole climactic battle, we're going out for doughnuts. What kinds do you want?"

"Jelly-filled!" both men called in unison.

"Hey, you like jelly-filled, too?" asked Hidan, smirking.

"Oh, yeah! It's just so..."

"Filled with jelly?"

"Exactly, yeah!"

"Alright, go on with your fight." Shikamaru said as the two left.

Right before Deidara stabbed Hidan, he was stopped by that look in his eyes. Love...

"You... Love jelly-killed doughnuts, too!" cried the silver haired male with no shirt.

"Yeah, yeah?" answered Deidara, confused.

"It must be a sign! I love jelly-filled, you love jelly-filled. I love killing, you love killing. I love God, you love art! It all fits!"

"It does, yeah?"

"Yes!"

"... Good enough for me, yeah!"

And they left for their wedding and shared a jelly-filled doughnut, afterward.

Then... As you have probably already guessed, they got divorced. Why? Deidara made me swear to silence about that...

(That means she couldn't think of a reason why!)

Shut up:Strangles annoying voice that nobody knows where it came from:

* * *

A/N: XD I like this one! I know it probably started off slow, but I think it got better! Oh, and I LOVE venician-cream doughnuts... I've never tried jelly-filled... 


	10. ItachiXJiraiya

Wedding #10

Itachilova101

A/N: ItachiXJiraiya! Another request! Okay, I had to do a lot of research on ballet dancing to do this, so enjoy! If you don't, I'll be sad...

"You do realize I'm married, right?" asked Itachi while Kisame tried to force him in a dress.

"C'mon, you're an evil serial killer/son of a bitch. Do you honestly think she'll be surprised?" he asked.

"... Good point..."

"Now, get in this dress!"

"Why? I'm a guy, aren't I?"

"Well... That's debateable..."

"Is it?"

"I think so..."

"Do you even know what that means, Kisame?"

"... That's beside the point..."

Itachi chuckled and walked off, away from Kisame and his dress. He put on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.

"You aren't going to wear something at least half-formal to your wedding?" asked the blue man.

"Nope."

So, he walked out of the room and sauntered down the aisle casually and sat on top of the alter which the priest must have thought of as an offense.

Then, in came Jiraiya.

"Aww, I wanted to be the guy!" he whined.

He walked off and came back in a ballerina tutu and Plieed, Pirouetted and Sauteed down the aisle until he was face-to-face with Itachi.

Itachi only looked like he was going to be sick.

"I... Have to marry you?"

"Yes, you do! Don't you feel so honored to be marrying a man with such status such as I?!"

"No... I feel like I'm going to be sick, actually."

Tsunade, being the priest, cleared her throat and motioned for Itachi to get his (Oh-so-smexy) ass off of the alter and stand on his feet like ordinary (Not a smexy) people.

"Okay... Weddings... Hm, what shall I say?"

Itachi suggested, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We will all miss Jiraiya... NOT!!!"

Jiraiya pouted.

"God, Man, get out of that thing! I think you're going to make me go blind!" yelled Tsunade.

"Good thing I'm going blind," commented Itachi.

So, Jiraiya did as told, he took off the tutu and the top. ... Gasps, screames and wailing from babies was heard.

Itachi smirked and commanded, "Jiraiya, next time, where underwear under your tutu..."

"But-But... Going commando is much mre comfortable!"

He then broke out into song, singing, "I'm not wearing underwear today". (A song from Avenue Q!)

Tsunade yelled, "can we finish this wedding already?!"

Jiraiya stopped in midsong and stood still... Naked still...

"Okay, Itachi, do you take this... Disgusting excuse of a man to be your husband... Or wife, whichever the case may be?"

"Hell no!"

"Okay, Jiraiya, do you take this evil serial killer/son of a bitch to be your husband or wife?"

"How many people are going to call me that today?" inquired Itachi.

"Not in this lifetime," answered the naked man...

"Good, then let's get out of here!"

And they all, including the audience, ran out of the place they were in and caused a HUGE disturbance to men, women and children because of Jiraiya's lack of clothing...

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the shortness... Sorta ran out of shit to use... 


	11. Surprise Double Wedding

Deidara and Shikamaru sat in their joint dressing rooms, getting ready for their double wedding. Yes, they both were getting married, but not to eachother... Crazy, huh?

Then, in came Naruto, who looked VERY confused.

"Are you sure you guys want to go through with this?" he asked.

"Yeah," answered Shikamaru.

Deidara only nodded.

He shrugged.

"Whatever... I just hope you don't divorce these ones this time..."

With that, the confused blonde took his leave and left the two grooms with their prepping for their wedding(s).

"Are you going to stay married this time?" asked Shikamaru.

"Are you going to cry when you lose them again, yeah?" asked Deidara.

"... Touche," he replied.

Heh..."

Then, in came Hidan.

"Okay, can we do this ceremony? I've got plans with a few dead bodies, some nonstick grease and a rubber duckie later. Needless to say, I'm in a hurry."

"Uh, what are you doing with all that stuff?" inquired Deidara. "Just out of curiosity, yeah..."

"Oh, Kisame told me that it's some kind of ceremony in worship of Jashin," he answered.

The two grooms sweatdropped while they thought over how angry Hidan was going to be when they found out it was a lie...

Without mentioning it to him, they stood and began their walk down the aisle. Then, down walked the "brides": Shikamaru's cloudies and Deidara's clay...

Of course, somebody gad to carry them because they were incapable of walking on their own. Tobi carried the clayette as it was named by Deidara and Cludette as they were named by Shikamaru was carried by Chouji.

Hidan said, "Okay, Shikamaru obviously takes... Cloudette to be his sife and they don't have a mind of their own, so those two are being married. Deidara wants to marry... Clayette and Clayette can't talk, so they're getting married too. Let's hope they'll stay married this time."

A chorus of agreements came from the audience.

"Let's just have them kiss and let's get out of here..."

Then... Something weird happened.

The boxer shorts spoke.

"Give me a kiss, Shika-kun!"

Shikamaru's eyes widened.

"Why are you talking?"

"Well, that hobbo let out a big, stinky one and it was so bad that it contained radioactive shit! So, now I'm a pair of demon boxers!"

Shikamaru didn't know what to say... His cloudies could speak when they're supposed to be an inanimate object.

The... Something weirder happened... Deidara's clay began to mold itself into a person... A girl...

"Hey! It's a girl, yeah!"

"Im you, Idiot!" snapped the clay.

"... I love me, yeah!"

So, Deidara and Clayette kissed and ran off, but Shikamaru and Cloudette hadn't done anything.

"So...?" asked the shorts. "You gonna kiss your wife?"

So, Shikamaru did as told and kissed his boxers... They, too, ran off and the others wereleft in total confusion and disgust...

"That... Was fucked up..." commented Hidan.

"It was," agreed Tobi.

"Wanna go have an orgy?" asked Naruto.

Everybody, including the audience, agreed and they all left to do... Well, orginess...

And they all lived happily ever after!!!

THE END!!!

* * *

A/N: I can't help but noticed that this sucked just a tiny bit... 


	12. DeidaraXHinataXNaruto

Crack Weddings!

DeidaraXHinataXNaruto

A/N: ZOMG! I actually convinced meself to make another chapter! I might even make more if yall like this! So, if you don't mind, you can continue with requests! XD

* * *

Twas the night before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse… Well, actually, there was a lot stirring… 

"Clay-kun?" Deidara called, searching the entire Akatsuki base for his "spouse". "Clay-kun! Where's my clay, yeah?"

Then, he stood before Itachi's bedroom, the only room he hadn't checked.

He drew in a deep breath and let it out in a fearful sigh.

"Okay, just get in, look for Clay-kun and get out, yeah," he whispered.

He opened the door to see… Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the pancakes! Wait… Pancakes?

He saw Sakura and Itachi sitting on the bed… Sucking… Sucking a cherry lollipop!

Itachi looked at his blonde comrade and extended the hand holding the lollipop to him.

"Wanna lick?" he asked.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, running out of the room.

He ran and he ran and he ran… He ran until he was almost at Konoha.

"And after all that work to find a perfect partner," he whined. "Well, I knew it couldn't last… Looks like it's back to the drawing board…"

"No!" he heard somebody yell.

He looked to see Hinata walking very quickly with the blonde Kyuubi container following her.

"C'mon, Hinata-chan!" the blonde whined. "It's not what it looks like!"

"Wasn't it?" she asked. "You were in _bed_ with that hussy!"

"Well, it's not like it was the first time!" he exclaimed.

"Ugh!" Hinata exclaimed and walked off.

"Hinata-chan!" called the Kyuubi.

"I never want to talk to you again!" cried Hinata.

Then, a light bulb went off over his head and he exclaimed, "Idea, yeah!"

He followed the girl the Kyuubi called Hinata and waited until he was sure they were far away from the other blonde.

"Uh, hi, yeah," he greeted.

She gasped and whirled around to face him.

"Sorry, yeah… I saw you walk by and I fell immediately in love with you," he lied. "Will you marry me? I would never cheat on you and I think I'd make a good husband, yeah…"

"Hm…" Hinata mumbled, deep in thought. "What if I just use you to make another man jealous?"

"Good enough for me, yeah!"

"C'mere, Hubby!" she exclaimed and they kissed.

* * *

Weeks later, the wedding preparations were all ready and the wedding was to be in mere moments. 

"How do I look?" Hinata asked, turning to Sakura.

"Fit to be married to an evil psychopath that's out to kill, kill and marry random women…"

"That's exactly the look I was going for… But…"

"But…?"

"Well, you see, I-I don't know if I'm a good kisser…" she answered, blushing.

"Naruto never told you if you were or not?" asked the pink-haired kunoichi.

She shook her head,

"Oh, well, we have a few minutes…

Hinata looked to her friend in puzzlement.

"When the priest says, 'You may now kiss the bride', you take him by his arms and pulls his body close to your own…" she showed her by doing just what she was saying. "Then, you pucker your lips like this… And you kiss him… Like this…"

And they kissed.

Their luck must've been terrible this day because just as their lips touched, the door swung open and Hidan saw the two sucking face.

The girls' lips broke apart and they stared at Hidan in surprise.

"Holy shit that was cool… Do it again…"

The girls stared at him in surprise.

"And what if we say no?" asked Sakura.

"I said, 'Do it again', Bitches!"

And the seemingly religious man charged at the girls with his grim-reaper thingamajig, only to be tripped by a lump in the carpet.

He landed face first into the floor and he let out a muffled, "Ow…"

He sat up and brought his knees to his chest and whimpered.

"Oh, what's the matter?" asked Sakura in a baby-talk voice.

"I hurt my knee!" he cried.

"Aww, poor baby!" exclaimed Sakura.

She picked him up bridal-style and threw him out the window.

Needless to say, Hidan was out of commission…

"Take that, Pervert!"

"W-Was he our priest?" asked Hinata.

"Um… Probably…"

"…"

"…"

"I-I won't tell if you won't…"

Sakura smirked and the two stole one more glance at the seemingly-lifeless body three stories down.

"Bye bye, Priesty!" exclaimed Sakura, laughing.

Neji appeared and said, "I am to give you away because Uncle is still having a fit about you marrying Naruto…"

"Oh, uh, okay…"

And Hinata took Neji's arm and they started toward the place with the aisle and alter.

The wedding jingle started and they started down the aisle where Deidara was standing.

When they got there, Hinata looked around, trying to find Naruto so she could gloat… He was nowhere to be found.

Deidara looked around for Hidan or whoever the priest was going to be this time, but found nobody where the priest was supposed to be.

The entire church was so quiet, crickets could be heard chirping… Indoors…

"What now?" asked Hinata.

"I'll do it!" exclaimed that all-too-familiar voice of Rock Lee's.

He stood at the end of the aisle, doing the Nice-Guy pose and his hair blowing in the non-existent wind.

"How does his hair do that?" one of the people in the audience asked.

Lee walked down the aisle and stood in the Priest's spot.

"Oh, dear Sakura-san!" he exclaimed. "I shall show you how superior I am to any man by showing you how great I am at being a Priest-dude!"

Sakura chuckled sheepishly and bit her lower lip.

"Okily dokily… Do you, odd female-looking dude take my archrival's cousin to be your wifey-wife?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah…"

"Okay, do you, my archrival's cousin, take this female-looking dude to be your hubby?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Yay!" exclaimed Deidara.

"Hold it!" somebody yelled, throwing the doors open.

In stormed Hidan.

"You're alive?" asked Sakura. "I-I mean, you're late! You have a lot of 'splainin' to do, Mister!"

"Shut up, lady-kisser…" Hidan commanded. "The only person that gets to do weddings is me!"

"Uh, okily dokily?" Lee replied, looking nervous.

"How dare you do such a cheap impression of Ned Flanders?!"

"Sorry!" Lee yelled, running off.

"Okay, the dude that uses his hands to make-out with himself is marrying the chick that's just using him to get back at the Kyuubi container… Isn't this a nice, normal wedding?"

"Okily dokily," Hidan mumbled, putting on a pair of reading glasses.

"Heeeeey!" whined Lee.

"Shut up!" Hidan yelled.

Then, the doors swung open and in came Naruto, red faced and sweating.

"Quick, Deidara! Kiss me!" Hinata commanded.

"Hold it!" the other blonde yelled. "Hinata-chan! I didn't cheat on you!"

"But you admitted to it!"

"Well, we both took what the other said the wrong way… By 'hussy' I thought you meant ramen!"

Silence ensued.

"Ramen?" asked Hinata.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Naruto. "You see, you didn't actually walk in on me, you heard something that sounded like kissy noises, right?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"I was having a late-night snack of ramen! You heard me slurping the noodles!"

"So… You didn't cheat on me?" asked Hinata, shiny-eyed.

"Nope…"

"C'mere, Hubby!" and the two ran off.

"That was odd…" stated Sakura.

"Okily dokily, who shall I let marry next?"

"Why, you slimy piece of burning shit!" everybody heard somebody yell.

In stormed Ned Flanders, angry and swearing out the whoozah…

"So, that's what he's like off-air…" mumbled Sakura.

"How dare you fucking do such a cheap fucking impression of me, you fucker!"

Ned Flanders took Hidan by the ear and dragged him out of the church, saying, "You are going to be doing penances till the die you fucking die!"

And Deidara was forced to find a new partner while Hidan did his penances…

* * *

A/N: O.o Ned's scary… :Shudder: Lotsa swearing… 


End file.
